Men Have Issues, Even Through Email

I still receive unsolicited winks or messages from guys. Some weeks more so than others, but it's a fairly constant rate. I would say that of these guys, I only find 5% attractive and within my height/religion/other requirements.

Last night, I received an email from this guy in Ohio. Now, aside from the fact that he was unattractive, had children, was only separated and not divorced, lived in a trailer, and seemed to be a bit of a boozer, I politely responded to his message.

Wayne35luv (initial message):
"hi there"

My response:
"Hello

Thanks for writing me. Unfortunately, you live a bit out of my geographical range. Good luck in your search!"

His response received this morning, which is a standard "No Thanks" response Match provides:
"Thank you for writing me, but I have just met someone and want to see how it develops."

That threw me - he messaged me and I turned him down. From his profile, I assumed English was his first language. Apparently it's not. Because I don't know how he thought I was interested from my response.

Even online, some men still find the need to save face as a result of ANY sort of rejection, geographic or otherwise. Just don't respond - especially when I'm not interested!

Back to the Drawing Board

After getting dumped before even dating "CMU guy", a friend of mine said, "I give it 2 weeks, maybe 3, before you get a call." Even though that would be nice and I am holding out a modicum of hope that I will hear from "CMU guy" again, my past experience tells me that I need to continue on with my search.

I still have 2 guys that I have been talking to before "CMU guy" even appeared on the scene - "Attorney guy" and "Wrestling guy". However, I haven't heard back from my last emails that I sent them last Monday. From what I know of this online dating thing through Match, if I haven't met them yet, chances do not look good that I ever will. My only resolution that I know "Attorney guy" is super busy with a case and "Wrestling guy" doesn't check his messages every day. I haven't heard from "Writer guy" though. He and I shared some great emails, so I expect that he has found someone else.

In the attempt to increase my chances, I decided to run a search to find some new guys to wink at. There was also an outstanding message from a guy that I winked at previously that I answered. I noticed a link on the right hand side of a profile that said "Find more like him." Immediately I went to "CMU guy's" profile (which hasn't been checked in a week since our date) and clicked that link. To my dismay, there were only 9 guys like him. And of those 9, I only found 2 attractive from their pictures.

Since I spent all this money on online dating, I need to have a man that I'm attracted to. It's very important to me. I don't need Brad Pitt, but I do need to want to look at the guy I'm dating. Sadly, one of the guys like "CMU guy" seems really cool and nice, but he's bald. I have a lot of hair so it would definitely look weird if I dated a guy with absolutely no hair. That and if things would work out and we had children, I would die of worry that my child might end up with his hair genes instead of mine. Before you start thinking that I'm shallow - think about how often you have walked up to the most unattractive member of the opposite sex in a bar and offered to buy them a drink or ask them out. Chances are the answer is zero.

So I am back on the quest to find myself a cute, funny, smart, attractive man to date. I'm keeping my fingers crossed since I need all the luck I can get.

Profile Writing Advice

I received a comment from an anonymous reader asking for profile writing advice, which I would like to take the opportunity to provide to you all if you're ever going to try this online dating thing. Don't let my bad experiences scare you away!

Personally, I try to include a number of interests. For instance I have used football, friends, and movies. Then I provide some general detail about them if possible. It's hard to expound upon hanging out with friends, but you can put your favorite movie genres.

It's also best to be honest. When someone states that they like dive bars, I like that. Because so do I. However, I'm tired of just about every guy saying that he's just not into the bar scene anymore. Well, what part? Trying to meet someone there or in general you don't like drinking in public? Because if you are not going to have fun on a night out at a bar from time to time, you're not the guy for me.

Unfortunately, I have found most eHarmony profiles to be very generic with no real description of who someone really is or what they like. And I find profile information very necessary with eHarmony since all those questions are annoying and not very useful.

One of my favorite profiles that a guy wrote was very creative. He took advantage of the fact that he is a writer to come up with some funny, fictional reviews. I found that very entertaining and he definitely received a wink on Match.com from me.

My best advice would be to use the following guidelines:
1. Be honest about who you really are. If someone doesn't like it, good! You saved yourself a shitty date.

2. Provide information about your likes and dislikes so others can decide if they are like you or not. But don't add so much detail as to not have anything to talk about when someone messages you.

3. Take a look at a number of Match.com profiles for examples to see what's out there, and then differentiate yourself from the rest of the group. People get tired of seeing the same thing over and over. It seems disingenuous.

I think I might be cursed

I got home and was all excited to see an email from "CMU guy". However, I went from really excited to upset pretty quick. The waiting game is officially over so I don't have to wonder why he hasn't called:

"Hi Kristy,

Sorry I haven't been able to return your call from the other day.

I'm also sorry to say that a relationship with a prior girlfriend has re-started unexpectedly in the past few days, so I am not really looking to date anyone else currently.

I figured it's better to let you know why I haven't called so that you won't take it personally. Regardless, I did have a really great time on Monday and would have liked to see you again had circumstances not changed.

Sorry to disappoint.

All the best,

Rob"

I know that there are other guys that I've been talking to and it's just one guy. However, it's hard not to feel like I have some black cloud of bad luck hanging over my head. Especially when I'm 0-2. And #2 actually seemed to like me and I liked him. Worst is that I had to get an email instead of a phone call. I find that rather rude to meet someone, kiss them very nicely after your date in the middle of 14th street in the Southside, not return their call, and send an email to end things for an ex. Because as we all know, things with an ex never work. They're an ex for a reason. Should I take comfort in the fact that there were 3 "sorry's" in the email above? Eh - no. It's not like I even had a fair shot since, well, I'm cursed.

Sadly, despite my anger at life's little jokes, I can't even fathom a response to this email, aside from "maybe before you decide to kiss someone you should run it by your ex-girlfriends first". And I hate to not send one and come off bitchy. Either way I guess I'm going to look bitchy so I'm going to have to decide whether I want to confirm it or not. Right now what I want to do - confirm bitchy or pretend like I never received the email - changes every 20 seconds.

The Waiting Game

This is the part that I hate about dating. The waiting to see if you get a second date. Usually I have a pretty good idea whether someone that I meet is going to call. However, there have been times in the past where everything goes really well, but I never get a call.

That's my biggest fear right now. Monday went really well and now I have to wait. I know it's only been a few days, but I was hoping to get to see "CMU guy" this weekend. I did call and leave a message on Wednesday afternoon so I have used my "one free phone call" card. Therefore, I can't call anymore until a week from Sunday by my rules. I don't want to be the crazy girl who calls all the time after one date because no one seems to want to date that girl.

I'm trying to draw comfort that I made plans with friends to cover the weekend figuring that he probably won't be calling to make plans for tonight. Also, I'm pretty sure that he is interested and that he will call. My thinking is that he's out with the first year MBA students since he volunteered to help with orientation. Also, he's been gone all summer so there is always catching up with friends and getting your apartment in order for school to start.

However, on the flip side - I did meet him through Match.com so maybe he had some other dates and likes someone else more. Of course I have resorted to some minor "peace of mind" stalking. So I know that he hasn't been on Match.com since Monday. Of course, if he logs in and sees me "active within 24 hours" he might be wondering what it is that I'm up to. Hopefully he won't think that since I haven't written back to anyone other than "Rescue Me guy" to wish him good luck with his new girl. So it helps me to believe in the fact that he's busy with orientation, friends, and getting settled back into life in Pittsburgh. I have myself about 96% convinced of that scenario. Stupid 4%.

But this is the crazy girl thoughts that I knew were coming. I think I prepared myself for them this time. And I think that I'm coping with this waiting game pretty well since I am able to easily keep myself busy at work during the day and hanging out with friends and coworkers at night. If I only had a great ability to be patient and calm, this wouldn't be so bad. Sadly, guys don't seem to suffer through the same issues. Lucky bastards - they don't have this crazy period and they can pee standing up.

So if you see me out and about this weekend, I recommend buying me a drink. I may need it in order to keep myself under control thanks to that 4%. At least I have enough control to not call and won't have to place my cell phone in the care of friends this weekend to keep me from calling.

My First Missed Match

So "Rescue Me guy" and I had been trying to connect for about 3 weeks to at least talk on the phone. I was really happy that I didn't hear from him this past weekend since I was really interested in meeting "CMU guy". I consider this a missed match since we never really got a chance to talk or meet. There have been a couple voicemails and text messages, but no substantial conversation.

Yesterday I was hanging out with some friends when I received a text message from "Rescue Me guy". He apologize for not calling and told me that he started seeing someone. He wanted to let me know because he said that I seemed to be really nice and he didn't want to lead me on. I was so relieved! Because I was dreading telling him that after all these weeks of trying to talk on the phone that I had just met someone that I was really interested in. That was really nice of "Rescue Me guy" to be honest and eliminate some stress from my life. He seemed to be a pretty nice guy and that confirms to me that he is because he could have been like the first guy I met and just disappeared. We both wished each other well with our new people. It was definitely a positive experience. Contrary to popular belief among women - nice guys really do exist. I guess sometimes it's just that the timing is off.

The disappearing thing is just annoying. My one friend actually refers to the act of a guy who cuts off all communication as "abduction by aliens". It's definitely appropriate! Because they disappear, never to be seen again. IF you're lucky.

So, dating etiquette (online or off) is to always make sure to let people know that you are off the market.

Now, I must go make a call and send an email.

Meeting Face to Face - Take Two

If you've been following, you know that the first time (and only other time) I met someone from Match.com, it didn't go so well. I tried to make jokes; he was offended. So I started getting really nervous about meeting "CMU guy". I ran around Monday morning like a crazy woman trying to put together an outfit to wear that night after work. But it had to look like I worked all day and then met up with him. Very tricky. So I settled for wearing my favorite brown-ish skirt. However, during work I wore a black top and black heels but changed into my green shirt that matches my eyes and my flip-flops. I needed comfy shoes.

The official workday ended so I went to take a shower (we have a gym and 2 private showers at work, which is nice if you go out after a workout or if you have a date and you're stuck late at work). My hair had dried enough by 6:45 so I decided it was time to call "CMU guy" and let him know I was done working for the day. My hands were shaking when I went to make the call. Why do I have to be such a nervous wreck? "CMU guy" seems like a perfectly nice guy - what's my issue?

So he and I picked a dining establishment (it was actually first choice for both of us - a good thing as I tried to calm my nerves before the date) and planned to meet at 8. What was I going to do for an hour? So I stopped at my usual hangout. I will call it "Crowley's" (who gets the reference? I'm sure most of my readers know where I'm talking about. I'm not good speaking in code I guess.) I hang out for a quick drink to kill a half hour and then head to the restaurant.

"CMU guy" shows up about a minute after I get there. Just long enough for the hostess to ask me where we wanted to sit, but not soon enough for me to ask him patio or dining room. He shows up (bonus!) and we say "hi", and then mutually decide patio. The patio was full, so we sat at a table in the dining room. Thank god - air conditioning! I sweat when I'm nervous.

At first I felt a little awkward, but things settled in after we ordered. We talked about what he did before grad school, traveling, if he liked sports, football (he's not a big sports person but I'm a huge football fan so it's unavoidable), and cell phones. So yeah, we talked about a whole bunch of stuff. We also talked a little bit about music since he was in a band and when he suggested drinks afterward, I suggested a place in the Southside that I thought he would really like. "CMU guy" is into more hard rock. He likes a whole bunch of stuff, but that's his genre. Like mine is alternative music, or as Foote says, that high school shit. (:

I was a little nervous taking him to this place in the Southside. It's a bit of a dive. "Crowley's" is a dive, but compared to where we went, you would think you could eat off of the floor. We drank some New Castle and talked about music until the band started. Then listened to the first band and were trying to guess how old they were by what they looked like and the songs they played. One of the last songs totally made us laugh. The lead singer said "I dedicate this song to" and then proceeds to look around the audience. Then the singer says "the bartender I guess". So they break into this song. It was something like "I Want to Fuck You Tonight" or whatever. I burst out laughing and "CMU guy" was laughing just as hard. I turned to him and said something like "wow - that's fucking funny!" He responds, "Didn't you know? This is one of their classics." Awesome comment! I like "CMU guy's" sense of humor.

It was just about 11 so it was time to head home. Sadly, I wouldn't have minded staying for the second band. "CMU guy" said that he really liked that place and was definitely going to have to come back. He walked to me my car and we did the exchange of "I had a really great time" and "we should definitely get together again." I was hoping for a hug - I figured since this was our first meeting, that probably a hug would be an indicator that it went well, especially after I dragged him to this hole-in-the-wall, dirty dive bar. The end of the evening definitely surpassed my expectations.

I really hope to see "CMU guy" again soon. Now I just have to deal with my typical girl issues: over-analyzing and the over-active imagination. I'm being positive now. I'm sure I'll post my typical insane and ridiculous thoughts later this week as I wait for word from "CMU guy".

A Successful, and Stressful, Phone Call

"CMU guy" wrote back that he was back home, finishing up his summer break. He asked if he could call me on Sunday and if yes, what time would be best. When I received the message (and I think it's fair to say that I was "stalking" this email message), I wrote back with yes and a time to call. I was also supposed to receive a call from "Rescue Me Guy" that day as well, but "CMU guy" was top priority since he was someone I just started talking to and he hadn't missed a call. I'm sure I could make a comparison to Google's ad serving algorithm, but I will refrain from excessive nerdiness in this post.

Sunday evening rolled around and my phone rang - it was "CMU guy". I took a second breather to transition from apartment hunting and to calm the nerves and answered the phone. I think we had a pretty good introductory phone call. He was driving and I have to be impressed with his conversation skills while driving. I'm a good driver and multi-tasker, but I often zone out on a phone conversation while driving. Especially if it's a long trip on a highway.

The only downside for me came somewhere around 20 minutes into the call. I started to panic. I'm terrible on the phone when I don't really know someone very well. Hell, I am terrible on the phone when I do know someone well! In my panic, I asked him if he was "ok" driving and talking. When he said "yes", I still panicked with being on the phone. So I did what any intelligent person who was having a great conversation that she wanted to continue through a non-phone medium and said "hey - would you like to get together so we can meet in person?" Fortunately, he said "yes". So we planned to grab some dinner the next evening after I was done with work.

I lucked out on that phone call. I must have hid the panic in my voice well. (:

Occupational Hazards

The one thing that I found comes with this online dating is obsessive email checking. On Match.com, if I receive a wink or a message from someone, it notifies me in my email. When I'm waiting to hear back from someone, I will check my email upwards of 10 times a day. It's ridiculous.

This was definitely the case on Thursday. I was actually hanging out with a friend of mine and I actually commandeered his laptop in order to check my email to see if "CMU guy" wrote me back.

I came across "CMU guy" during that Saturday when I went through everyone between the ages of 25-30. "CMU guy" is getting his MBA at the Tepper School and he met my requirements when I checked out his profile. He's taller than me, and really attractive. He also seemed laid back and he liked music. "CMU guy" even played in bands, which I found pretty cool. Anyone can play guitar but actually making the commitment to play in a band is a huge plus. That and it means that he has to be a good musician. At least in my opinion...

So I was really excited when he responded to my wink with a wink and a message. I wrote back and then obsessively checked my email, hoping for a response. I can't tell you how many times I checked my email last week. Verizon's servers probably overheated...

Scheduling Burnout

One of the hardest things is taking that step to meet someone. You worry - "will he look completely different than his picture?", "what happens if we don't have anything to talk about?" or "what if I am not attracted to him?" You figure that the guy is probably thinking the same thing, too, but it doesn't help matters. Especially if when you meet, the fears come true for one party but not the other.

I think I have done a good job of pre-screening all applicants for the "date" position, but one can never be sure. Even if you meet someone in the offline world, pre-screening is not always effective. I met this guy about a year and a half ago who was cute and we had a lot to talk about. My friends and I call him "Hockey Guy". Turns out that he was an asshole and mentally unstable (he was even on medication). Bad combination. These fears are not unfounded.

Once you decide to take this step, meeting the other person should happen soon. The longer you wait, the more these fears circle around in your brain and mutate. It moves on to "I'm busy, too, but I can make time. What is going on that the man can't find an hour to sit down and meet?" Maybe it's my impatience and over-active imagination, but these are the things that I think about.

So I have been talking to "Attorney Guy". He seems pretty nice and even though he doesn't have the easiest picture to see online, he looks cute. "Attorney Guy" and I have been talking about meeting up. Last week, I forgot to call him early enough in the week to meet up on Wednesday. So we were going to try for this weekend but now, he's unavailable all weekend. It's a whole weekend. And he never said "I have plans with my friends" or "I'm heading out of town". In fact, just that this weekend doesn't work. "Attorney Guy" has always been open about what he's up to. Is it really just the case he's working on? Or is there something else? I just want to meet this guy and find out. And the longer this drags on, the more I start to worry that there's something going on. When he first left me a voicemail, his voice made me think that he wasn't 36 - that he was more like 46. I almost never wrote him back. I was afraid to call because I was skittish about the voice. And the voicemail was very long and detailed. I think he was actually talking to himself or thinking out loud for part of it.

There's also "Wrestling Guy" that I've been talking to. He's quite the opposite. I call him "Wrestling Guy" since the only picture where you can kinda see his face is a picture of him from a wrestling match. That or he's just wearing a funny outfit that looks similar to a college wrestling uniform. He and I have been emailing back and forth for a couple weeks. We talk about sports and joke about crazy funny things we do, like the letter I wrote to Comcast. (I only gave him funny snippets - I didn't clue him in to my absolutely crazy side where ripped Comcast a new one for taking MSNBC out of the channel lineup during the Olympics.) For all of our emailing, he has never mentioned meeting up or talking on the phone. Is he that shy? Or did he find this blog? Why hasn't he written me back in 3 days - I know he's been online because his profile says "active within 24 hours." This is turning me into a stalker.

This back and forth really gets exhausting. I just want to have my first meet up with a nice guy and actually have it go well. I already sent one running for the hills with my humor, so I want to see if there ever is a good meet up. And the longer that I wait for "Attorney Guy", the more I am nervous at the thought of meeting him. I need an Easy Button for this online dating stuff.

Advice for Newbies

Start with Match.com. Don't start with both eHarmony and Match. Pick one or the other and by one or the other, I mean Match. I thought eHarmony might be better - all that it is doing is filling up my inbox.

I receive about 4-8 emails during the hours of 8:30 to 5pm most days. And then an additional 2 or 3 throughout the rest of the evening. That and apparently I don't match up with many cute guys in Pittsburgh with real jobs.

The other issue is that it's a bit of a process because you are just signing up so you think it's best to be on the guided track when in reality, you probably want the fast track it. Because this guided track doesn't tell you shit about anyone other than their writing style. And while this can give you an idea of their intelligence or upbringing - you really don't get to know anything about anyone.

I get cute bartenders or not so cute guys with real jobs, or cute guys with real jobs in OH or WV. And I am not crossing state lines. That's just dangerous. The rules are different in red states.

So essentially, I spent $179.70 (compared to $101.94 for Match.com for 6 months with an additional 6 month guarantee) to have an algorithm match me up with the guys that I'm already meeting. In my opinion, Google could probably create a better algorithm to match with me a man. Maybe I should check it out and answer some of the requests for information. Or I can pretend that I don't exist a little while longer. And if I do respond to someone, I'll tell them I was in a terrible accident and just got out of the hospital or something. I still have my crutches. I bet I can get swindle a cute guy into a date with that story.

How I Spent my Saturday Afternoon

No one can say that I am not actively trying to find a boyfriend. I have just spent 4 hours looking through every single male between the ages of 25 and 35 on Match.com. 4 hours! Did you know that there's only 500 eligible men between the ages of 25 and 35 online on Match.com within 20 miles of Pittsburgh? That's it. That's all. 4 hours and I have gone through all of the men available to me.

Out of 500, only 165 of these men received a wink from me. That means that they were relatively cute and they met my height requirements (at the very least 5'8").

You might be tempted to say "Kristy, why only a 20 mile radius? Don't you think that's a little too small. That there would be more men if you make it like, 50 miles?" Well, let me tell you that I have encountered my fair share of men from Butler, Connellsville, Ohio...I'm not driving to Ohio for a date. That will never happen. The cute guy from Connellsville - I never texted him. It's too far. I'd never go. It would be rude of me to get some guy's hopes up when I know damn well that I am lazy and cheap. I'm not paying for gas to go all the way down to Connellsville. The guy had a kid, too. It would have been a precarious situation to begin with.

So now, instead of pre-ranking my fantasy football team, I have spent my entire afternoon checking out men on the internet. And out of the 165 winks that I sent out, only 1 response so far. So I'm apparently the only loser sitting on the computer all afternoon trying to get a date.

And now I am out of men. So if you know of any cute ones between the ages of 25-35, tell them to join Match.com because I'm out of men. What am I going to do next Saturday afternoon?

My First Time...

So I started getting the hang out of this searching thing. I did get an email from this guy, we'll call him "First guy", who I thought was a bit attractive in his pictures. We emailed a couple times and exchanged numbers while I was at the shore. He calls me the Monday after I'm back and we talked about just general stuff - football, tv, shows, friends...it was pretty nice. He asked if I would be interested in meeting in person, so I agreed. It was my first Match.com meet-up.

"First guy" actually turned out to be even more attractive than his online pictures. He was nice - bought me an iced cappuccino and we started talking. I found out about his job and chatted about his investments as well as just general talk about how long we have been on Match and people we've met. That was easy for me. "uhm, you're the first person I've actually met from Match.com".

I did enjoy talking to him, even though I was very nervous and did encounter moments of shyness. I hate when I have those moments - it tends to ruin things when I lose my ability to speak. Also, I did find out that it really is a fine line between cracking a facetious joke and someone being offended by said joke.

Sadly, I think "First guy" was offended. He seemed to have a lot of the same traits that I have - impatience, bad temper, a little obsessive compulsive...the only difference is that it felt like I was laughing things off (except once but I at least smiled while he hit my nerve!) while he was taking everything completely seriously. I actually had to use the phrase "lighten up" with him. When he first proposed meeting in person, he mentioned maybe going to get something to eat afterwards, and he added "if you like me". Well, apparently he definitely didn't feel the need to hang out later than an hour and 15 minutes. At 8:30 he was ready to head home and we went our separate ways.

I'm convinced that he either a.) was actually offended and is definitely not going to call me back or b.) thinks that I don't like him because I was cracking facetious jokes. It is doubtful that he will be calling me back anytime soon. I might try calling him once and leaving him a message just to say that it was nice to meet him and to apologize if my jokes offended him. I might just say it was nice to meet him and leave it at that. Who knows. Maybe I should stop being so polite all the time? Or maybe I just shouldn't get too comfortable with people and try to be funny. Apparently people don't like funny...

Moving on, during my meet-up with "First guy", the other guy who sounded interesting called me. He left a voicemail about possibly getting together tonight. After listening to it, I don't think he's really 36. He sounds 46 or 56. I might just meet him anyways to find out. Maybe he has a cold? I hope not because I was hoping for a better 2nd try at this meet-up thing. Sadly, I didn't get a chance to call him back until right after work tonight so I'm sure he was probably offended and felt like I was blowing him off. It really feels like guys are really lame and get offended at the simplest things.

Why is it that women are the brave ones? I always thought men were supposed to be brave, too. What happened to equality?